Hey....
I've been sitting here staring at this blank screen for longer than I want to admit.
It's funny - well, not funny - but strange, how I can feel so full of thoughts and yet have no idea how to begin putting any of them into words. My mind feels like a room filled with laundry piles I keep meaning to fold, but every time I turn around, more clothes are thrown aside. Eventually you stop trying to organize them, and you just sit in the middle of the mess, hoping no one opens the door.
That's kind of where I'm at right now.
Sitting in the middle of the mess.
Tired. Overwhelmed. A little bit numb. and very, very human.
The truth is... Life has been really rough lately. I mean the kind of rough that makes you wake up already exhausted, like you ran a marathon in your sleep. The kind where your chest feels tight for no clear reason, and every day you're just trying to convince yourself you're fine enough to function. I've been moving on autopilot - responding to messages, showing up to things, cleaning - while it feels like I left the real version of myself behind somewhere. And I keep waiting for her to catch up.
I keep telling myself, "It's just a rough patch."
But what happens when rough patches turn into rough weeks?
Then rough months?
Lately it feels like everything in my life has been stacking on top of itself. One thing after another. No pause, no warning, no time to breathe in between. Every time I think I've finally found my footing, something else gets added to the pile, testing me - like the universe is curious how much weight I can really carry before I crack. And every time something new happens, I swear I can feel my knees wobbling a little more under the strain.
And I'm 23.
Twenty-three.
I'm supposed to be in that "figuring-it-out" stage of life where the world is big and full of possibilities. And maybe it still is, but it also feels like I've been thrown into an obstacle course without any instructions. I'm running and climbing and ducking and stumbling, and the entire time, someone keeps adding more weight onto my shoulders. Responsibilities. Expectations. Emotions I haven't had time to process. Bills. Fears. Uncertainty. Self-Doubt. It all piles up, and I'm doing my best to carry it - but some days it feels like it's carrying me.
People say, "You're young, you'll figure it out."
As if youth is some magical shield that protects you from feeling overwhelmed.
As if confusion and exhaustion and heartbreak don't land as hard when you're in your twenties.
As if age determines how deeply you can feel.
But I'm here, 23 and tired in a way that doesn't match the number.
I try to talk about it, sometimes.
Not always in words, but in the quiet ways I move around my house.
The way I sigh when I sit down.
The way my eyes drift off even when someone is talking.
The way everything is heavier than it should.
My fiancé tries to help. I see it in the way he checks on me, in the way he wraps his arms around me, in the way he asks, "Are you okay?" even when he already knows the answer. He wants so badly to take some of the weight off my shoulders, and I want to let him - but I can see him struggling too. I see the stress behind his eyes, the exhaustion in his posture. He's carrying his own pile, and sometimes I worry that if I hand him even one more piece of mine, he'll collapse under both.
It's this heartbreaking dance of wanting to be strong for each other while simultaneously trying not to break. Two tired people holding each other up. I love him for trying. I love him for caring. But love doesn't magically fix mental exhaustion. And the guilt of knowing he's trying so hard while still feeling overwhelmed - that's its own weight entirely.
My friends try too. They check in. They send me TikToks to make me laugh. They ask if I'm doing okay in that gentle voice people use when they're not sure how fragile you are. And even though I appreciate it more than they know, I can tell they don't always understand what to say. Sometimes the conversation goes quiet. Sometimes they change the subject. And that's okay, truly - it's not their fault. They're navigating this with me, from the outside looking in, unsure which words will help and which will accidentally makes things heavier.
But the silence between "I'm here for you" and "I don't know what to say next" can feel really big sometimes.
And honestly? I don't even know what I need most days. How could I expect someone else too?
Some days I feel like I'm disappearing into myself.
Some days I feel everything too intensely.
Some days I feel nothing at all.
Some days I'm on the verge of tears without any clear reason.
Some days I fake a smile so well that even I believe it.
It's this constant cycle of trying to keep up with life while also trying not to drown in it. And the part that scares me the most is how normal it's starting to feel - how this exhaustion is becoming part of my daily routine. Like brushing my teeth. Like checking my phone. Like breathing.
But I'm writing this because I promised myself this blog would be honest. A place where I don't have to pretend. A place where maybe you - whoever you are, reading this - can feel a little less alone in your own mess.
Because that's the thing:
I know I'm not the only one feeling like this.
Not the only one carrying too much.
Not the only one running through life on auto pilot.
Not the only one wondering if the next thing added to the pile might finally be too much.
And if you're nodding right now - even just barely - please listen for a minute.
You're not weak for feeling overwhelmed.
You're not dramatic for struggling.
You're not a burden for needing help.
You're not failing because you're tired.
You're human. And humans get tired. Especially when they've been strong for too long.
You have a place here.
A safe place.
A place where the weight can be spoken out loud instead of carried in silence.
So here's what I want you to take away today:
You're not alone. Truly.
You're safe here, in this corner of the internet where messy minds and heavy hearts are allowed to exist without judgement.
I'll be posting more often now - more check-ins, more honesty, more connection. Comment if you want, share your thoughts if you feel comfortable, or just read quietly. Whatever feel right for you is okay. This space is yours as much as it is mine.
And please - this part is important -
If you're having dark thoughts, scary thoughts, thoughts that feel out of control or unsafe....
Go to your nearest emergency room.
Right now.
You deserve help. You deserve support. You deserve safety.
Your life matters. More than you know.
With love and a tired but hopeful heart
- Your Beautiful Mind
"Even on the days you feel small, your existence still takes up space in this world - and it matters."
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